I’ve had a lot of conversations with people about pooping (online and offline), and only a couple of years ago did I realize the method to the perfect poop. It’s quite counter-intuitive at first (especially looking at some of the FFFFUUUUU poops), but once you try it, you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

1. You sit down without spreading the buttchecks. If you have a tad extra booty, then spread just a tad, but not too much.

2. Sit up straight like your mother taught you and lean back a bit so you’re almost at a 90* angle.

3. Poop without straining yourself to push. Use the inner muscles to slowly ease it onwards on its journey out if you can, otherwise give it a gentle push at most and it should come out on its own time.

4. Try wiping. Once you get onto expert mode, you’ll be able to poop without needing to wipe if you have a normal consistency. Usually you’ll only have one or two wipes until you get the hang of it. If you have a wet poop, then this method also results in minimal splatter.

Congratulations, you have now performed the “King Edward/Queen Elizabeth”! If you wish, while doing step #3, you may raise your hand as if you are holding a goblet and shout out for more wine.

Enjoy.